The “Where the hell is Matt?” video remains one of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen. I have sobbed, literally, every time I’ve watched it since I first saw it in ~2010.
This piece has made me reflect on how new tech, new culture, new life always has a “something lost, something gained” quality. It’s tempting to want to reduce all that complexity to a simple evaluation of “are things better or worse now?” but I’m starting to think that impulse might be a mistake, or at least not very helpful.
A year or so ago I sat down and just reflected on the fact that YouTube exists and what it meant that no matter how alone or weird or niche your interests were, today you can find a whole community to learn from and connect with and be seen by. idk if things are better or worse online in a post-influencer world, but I do know that when I started crying after having that realization about YouTube, it had the exact same quality as when I first cried watching “Where the hell is Matt” 15 years before.
Another reason why the Matt video wouldn't be made today is people taking everything way too seriously. You can't just make a fun video where you dance with people. YouTube isn't a place where you just upload videos for fun, it's a Whole Thing. A career, or a side hustle hoping to turn into one. You have to think about monetisation. And how am I going to differentiate from the million other videos vying for attention. What's the hook? What's the deeper meaning? What will I use for the thumbnail? And how will it play? Will it come across as colonialist? Will I get cancelled? And how can I justify spending so much time on one video?
Of course many of these things are self-imposed, and could be ignored. But it does feel like collectively we've lost some of the sense of whimsy and willingness to be generous and take things in good faith. Like you say, it feels like everyone has an angle, and it makes us collectively more cynical.
"Another reason why the Matt video wouldn't be made today is people taking everything way too seriously."
And, everything always must be saying something. What we might have once called a fun video where you dance with people is now a "reflection on our shared humanity" and a "celebration across political boundaries." What if we could just dance?
Making a note in the middle of reading, so I haven't read the second half:
re differentiation/fragmentation, a lot of developmental psychology and evo stuff talks about differentiation and integration, which I like. As you design something, or unfold an essay in my experience, there will be this gradual differenation where I take things I sort of understand and pull them apart into more nuanced and unpacked structures... but in this process chaos will eventually ensure, so there is a need for integration, for shaping new organizing structures, to handle the new complexity. So in an essay there will come a time for pruning and moving things around to cluster in a new way that makes more sense given the information that has evolved. I guess fragmentation is sometimes what happens when there is no such drive toward integration to complement the differentation. I also suspect that a lot of what we think of fragmentation in society is driven by entirely diffferent processes, weakening of ties as side effects of other developments etc.
This is a great, profound article. Thank you for writing it.
I have experienced similar feelings many times. Uncomfortable at my parent's: check.
Unwilling to make my first house hommy: check.
Having my attention drift to proxy solutions like buying more items/stuff: check.
I cannot say I found a solution, but I can say how a I feel now and how that compares to the old me.
The word that summarizes everything for me is gratitude. Having a child was a long awaited process for my family and once my daughter was born I started feeling a magical sentiment, like if her own existence were too amazing to be true. Whenever I heard her laugh or giggle I trully felt like I was in the midst of a dream, fearing I would wake up anytime. After some time I understood it was gratitude. I realised I was also grateful for my wife, because she was the one that made this possible for us even though she was not sure about having children in the begining. I realised I was grateful for being in that short window of time in which I have a child AND my parents are still alive and healthy, so we decided we had to bring my daughter to see her grandparents whenever possible - and it was great for everyone. Soon after my daughter was born we moved to a new place, with schools, and small businesses nearby. We can things on foot, and we really appreciate that. For some reason, I realised I was not rich by any means, but I had enough - enough to quit my job if I didn't believe in it anymore, enough experience to begin trusting my own decisions and start trying to do things instead of complaining about how other people did it. And finally, I became more grateful because I am 41 now, and I noticed all these other things before it's too late, or I'm too old, or the "good times" are gone. Anxiety crises led me to reflection a decade ago, and 10 year later it seems clear that start a new phase as a parent, as a husband or as a professional has a chance of making you happier, and a happier person might have higher chances of making better choices on the other 2 fields. It might be a positive spiral, once started. I has been for me. Cheers, and thanks again.
Insightful read, Visa! Allow me to steal your trusted "Pick three!" solution to narrow down my comment.
Your read that marvels emerge from ecologies over hierarchies reminds me of your handmade Substack article map and its interactive, semi-lattice "city" structure. Visual, spatial motifs in the featured article - like your old home, your passage through the library, and the evolution of the keyboard room - also harken back to your map's iconography. If or when you could, mapping out your post-"do 100 things" abundance would be awesome. Makes me wonder what will emerge as the innermost sanctums of your corpus.
Speaking about manifesting sanctums, talismans, and shrines has me wondering whether people differentiate well online. One's virtual presence can be rather centralized these days with everything apps and whatnot. Do people really have different rooms for eating and pooping like they do in their own physical home? Do they have an inner sanctum within for rest? Speaking of, a restful physical home can easily be taken for granted. Yet, an Internet home isn't a substitute. Still, on your old home photo, I would like to riff on Gabor Mate: "You did your best." I trust that you can fully move into your new home, which already shows marked improvements.
I'm not a parent so take this with a grain of salt: parenting is free soloing is self-trust. Compare Honnold's composure to Midtbø while they free soloed together for the first time. As you said, parenting doesn't stop. So you forgive yourself, expand time, and rebuild self-trust in hopes that it outdoes your parents' best. Your son's utterances revealing trust shows how well you're scaling the cliff. Keep climbing!
Someone on threads referred to social media as ad platforms and it’s stuck with me. Maybe the internet needed to be thought of as a public good like the airwaves were at some point and the water and the national parks.
We need to make money to live and squeeze out any free time to “rest” (but swiping doesn’t feel restorative nor does consumption) and none for creative pursuits. We know and see that kids need play to grow and have joy - I think we leave behind the idea of play and it’s what makes adulthood such a drudgery. Thanks for the food- I’m thinking my inner sanctum needs a creative expression… something!
> I know intellectually that it’s counter-productive to withhold rest in exchange for productivity, but emotionally I guess I’ve been anxious that I’d perform even worse otherwise.
It's interesting how the mind can hold two opposing views at the same time. Is it the cheapest conscious Director ala IFS? Or is this a effect of tension between Kegans stage 3 vs stage 4? Or is it the jungian shift into the afternoon of life, when the unintegrated shadow becomes stronger than in early life?
This is less an intellectual angle seeking and more looking for a hard edge to grip and actually find a new, healthier equilibrium. But I don't think there's a one step/one shot way to do this, it's seems more and more like reconditioning yourself to value certain signals (ie. being tired) more than before.
Love this..reminded me of a couple of related ideas—rhizomes and rhizomatic networks, the axis mundi (Eliade), the temple, tabernacle and Holy of Holies. 🙏
I mostly read this because I so enjoy to be next to a vibe: it’s fun and important to connect the dots, to figure things out, it’s a worthy and fun investment.
The “Where the hell is Matt?” video remains one of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen. I have sobbed, literally, every time I’ve watched it since I first saw it in ~2010.
This piece has made me reflect on how new tech, new culture, new life always has a “something lost, something gained” quality. It’s tempting to want to reduce all that complexity to a simple evaluation of “are things better or worse now?” but I’m starting to think that impulse might be a mistake, or at least not very helpful.
A year or so ago I sat down and just reflected on the fact that YouTube exists and what it meant that no matter how alone or weird or niche your interests were, today you can find a whole community to learn from and connect with and be seen by. idk if things are better or worse online in a post-influencer world, but I do know that when I started crying after having that realization about YouTube, it had the exact same quality as when I first cried watching “Where the hell is Matt” 15 years before.
Another reason why the Matt video wouldn't be made today is people taking everything way too seriously. You can't just make a fun video where you dance with people. YouTube isn't a place where you just upload videos for fun, it's a Whole Thing. A career, or a side hustle hoping to turn into one. You have to think about monetisation. And how am I going to differentiate from the million other videos vying for attention. What's the hook? What's the deeper meaning? What will I use for the thumbnail? And how will it play? Will it come across as colonialist? Will I get cancelled? And how can I justify spending so much time on one video?
Of course many of these things are self-imposed, and could be ignored. But it does feel like collectively we've lost some of the sense of whimsy and willingness to be generous and take things in good faith. Like you say, it feels like everyone has an angle, and it makes us collectively more cynical.
"Another reason why the Matt video wouldn't be made today is people taking everything way too seriously."
And, everything always must be saying something. What we might have once called a fun video where you dance with people is now a "reflection on our shared humanity" and a "celebration across political boundaries." What if we could just dance?
Making a note in the middle of reading, so I haven't read the second half:
re differentiation/fragmentation, a lot of developmental psychology and evo stuff talks about differentiation and integration, which I like. As you design something, or unfold an essay in my experience, there will be this gradual differenation where I take things I sort of understand and pull them apart into more nuanced and unpacked structures... but in this process chaos will eventually ensure, so there is a need for integration, for shaping new organizing structures, to handle the new complexity. So in an essay there will come a time for pruning and moving things around to cluster in a new way that makes more sense given the information that has evolved. I guess fragmentation is sometimes what happens when there is no such drive toward integration to complement the differentation. I also suspect that a lot of what we think of fragmentation in society is driven by entirely diffferent processes, weakening of ties as side effects of other developments etc.
In case it’s helpful, picture yourself as a child, maybe the age of your own, or a bit older.
Think about what you would want for that child. It may help you prioritize the things that would benefit you today.
This is a great, profound article. Thank you for writing it.
I have experienced similar feelings many times. Uncomfortable at my parent's: check.
Unwilling to make my first house hommy: check.
Having my attention drift to proxy solutions like buying more items/stuff: check.
I cannot say I found a solution, but I can say how a I feel now and how that compares to the old me.
The word that summarizes everything for me is gratitude. Having a child was a long awaited process for my family and once my daughter was born I started feeling a magical sentiment, like if her own existence were too amazing to be true. Whenever I heard her laugh or giggle I trully felt like I was in the midst of a dream, fearing I would wake up anytime. After some time I understood it was gratitude. I realised I was also grateful for my wife, because she was the one that made this possible for us even though she was not sure about having children in the begining. I realised I was grateful for being in that short window of time in which I have a child AND my parents are still alive and healthy, so we decided we had to bring my daughter to see her grandparents whenever possible - and it was great for everyone. Soon after my daughter was born we moved to a new place, with schools, and small businesses nearby. We can things on foot, and we really appreciate that. For some reason, I realised I was not rich by any means, but I had enough - enough to quit my job if I didn't believe in it anymore, enough experience to begin trusting my own decisions and start trying to do things instead of complaining about how other people did it. And finally, I became more grateful because I am 41 now, and I noticed all these other things before it's too late, or I'm too old, or the "good times" are gone. Anxiety crises led me to reflection a decade ago, and 10 year later it seems clear that start a new phase as a parent, as a husband or as a professional has a chance of making you happier, and a happier person might have higher chances of making better choices on the other 2 fields. It might be a positive spiral, once started. I has been for me. Cheers, and thanks again.
Insightful read, Visa! Allow me to steal your trusted "Pick three!" solution to narrow down my comment.
Your read that marvels emerge from ecologies over hierarchies reminds me of your handmade Substack article map and its interactive, semi-lattice "city" structure. Visual, spatial motifs in the featured article - like your old home, your passage through the library, and the evolution of the keyboard room - also harken back to your map's iconography. If or when you could, mapping out your post-"do 100 things" abundance would be awesome. Makes me wonder what will emerge as the innermost sanctums of your corpus.
Speaking about manifesting sanctums, talismans, and shrines has me wondering whether people differentiate well online. One's virtual presence can be rather centralized these days with everything apps and whatnot. Do people really have different rooms for eating and pooping like they do in their own physical home? Do they have an inner sanctum within for rest? Speaking of, a restful physical home can easily be taken for granted. Yet, an Internet home isn't a substitute. Still, on your old home photo, I would like to riff on Gabor Mate: "You did your best." I trust that you can fully move into your new home, which already shows marked improvements.
I'm not a parent so take this with a grain of salt: parenting is free soloing is self-trust. Compare Honnold's composure to Midtbø while they free soloed together for the first time. As you said, parenting doesn't stop. So you forgive yourself, expand time, and rebuild self-trust in hopes that it outdoes your parents' best. Your son's utterances revealing trust shows how well you're scaling the cliff. Keep climbing!
Someone on threads referred to social media as ad platforms and it’s stuck with me. Maybe the internet needed to be thought of as a public good like the airwaves were at some point and the water and the national parks.
We need to make money to live and squeeze out any free time to “rest” (but swiping doesn’t feel restorative nor does consumption) and none for creative pursuits. We know and see that kids need play to grow and have joy - I think we leave behind the idea of play and it’s what makes adulthood such a drudgery. Thanks for the food- I’m thinking my inner sanctum needs a creative expression… something!
> I know intellectually that it’s counter-productive to withhold rest in exchange for productivity, but emotionally I guess I’ve been anxious that I’d perform even worse otherwise.
It's interesting how the mind can hold two opposing views at the same time. Is it the cheapest conscious Director ala IFS? Or is this a effect of tension between Kegans stage 3 vs stage 4? Or is it the jungian shift into the afternoon of life, when the unintegrated shadow becomes stronger than in early life?
This is less an intellectual angle seeking and more looking for a hard edge to grip and actually find a new, healthier equilibrium. But I don't think there's a one step/one shot way to do this, it's seems more and more like reconditioning yourself to value certain signals (ie. being tired) more than before.
Love this..reminded me of a couple of related ideas—rhizomes and rhizomatic networks, the axis mundi (Eliade), the temple, tabernacle and Holy of Holies. 🙏
I mostly read this because I so enjoy to be next to a vibe: it’s fun and important to connect the dots, to figure things out, it’s a worthy and fun investment.
https://breatheless.substack.com/p/youre-25-35-years-old-youre-running?r=q1usd&utm_medium=ios hyde wrote this essay that I think about a lot. The fear of letting go of the story of greatness, and lack of self-trust. Getting more keyboards as a cope and creating a place for rest.
Methodically allowing oneself to feel safe, to trust oneself. No wonder we need community it is one of the hardest thing to do on oneself.
One of the best things I have read from you, thank you for writing. I like these Visa essays
What a wonderful reflection. Thank you very much for posting.
Visakan, thank you for the beautiful reflection.